Archive for August, 2008

31
Aug

SELF -ishness/-lessness and a dash of infatuation.

By Dar 2 Comments
Categories: Life and Love

Editor’s note: This is based on actual experience and one may not agree to it. Nonetheless, keep an open mind when reading my blogs in order to have room for learning. Also, read number 3. This is also written with a hint of bitterness, not towards particular people, but towards the world.

I had a few failed attempts on going in a relationship before… These are not the typical relationships you are looking at, but rather more serious. Though the actual part of the relationship never actually commenced, I have already learned a lot.

1. People are selfish.

Obviously, this is the sin of “ME tees” (You know the Giordano t-shirts that were quite popular back then? It shows different designs with the word “ME” which I attribute to people who are not as considerate of other people). These ME tees are so focused on themselves, their actions, sacrifices, and a lot of other stuff, that whenever there are problems, they barely attribute it to their own doing.

It has been my idea before, but again, Paul McGee said this as well. “It takes two to tango” applies in people having conflicts (or fights, as the case may be). If you think you are not in the wrong when you and another person are having a conflict, you are 90% wrong. Though I may not have statistical data to back this up, just think of a situation where you had a misunderstanding and think of the circumstances carefully. For example: Girl B insists that Girl A is wrong in spilling her secret.
The situation: B tells A a secret and also telling her not to mention it to other people.

The conflict: B is fighting A for A blabbed her secret.

A’s Mistake #1: A tells on B’s secrets to other people.

B’s Possible Mistake #1: B proceeded to vent her anger to A through a barrage of hurtful words.

B’s Possible Mistake #2: B took the secret above her friendship with A.

B’s Possible Mistake #3: Even if A is wrong, it is much wrong to counterbalance it with another wrong–which is anger.
However you put it, B can not be held to have clean hands. If B merely approaches to talk to A about the situation, there will be no conflict (fight). Hence, I have formulated another quote:

It is never the wrong of the other person that creates a conflict, but one’s reaction towards it. -Dar

Anyway, going back to the selfishness of other people, I remember doing A WHOLE LOT of stuff for this particular girl. I always go out of my way to please someone I CHOOSE, however, I was particularly dissed in one situation where she accused me of not being considerate or rather self-centered. Apparently she forgot that it is I who always try to do things to make us work (no, this is not about you HC). Although I am not hogging up all the effort points, I am clearly aware that I am trying much much more than she is, so what the hell?! (yeah yeah, I was bitter because of the accusation) Anyway, even if I was accused of something I am not (TAKE NOTE: I REALLY FUCKING HATE IT WHEN I TRY SO HARD TO DO SOMETHING AND GET ACCUSED OF DOING THE CONTRARY. EVEN MY PARENTS ARE NOT EXEMPTED FROM THIS, I’D HATE THEM IF THEY ACCUSED ME OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS) I still tried to explain nonetheless, but she was rather close-minded about it… so viola! I had a sudden change of heart.

My thought: Sure, you may have your set of expectations, but I have mine too… I’m sure I have considered yours… But have you considered mine?

2. I become stupidly less self-centered (it’s okay to be selfless, but only up to a certain point).

I try to do everything I can within my limits (which is normally just located after my pride, but before I actually hurt myself) to make it work. If it still won’t work, it’s not me, it’s her. I realized that I really have to set limits when I enter a relationship in order to have a healthy one. What happened is that I was too lenient on myself that I somehow inadvertently swallowed my pride with a foot in my mouth because of her, and let it go with impunity.

3. Love as a Choice is still true… But I guess it really doesn’t work the same way with women.

Well, we can not deny the fact that men are more logical and women are more emotional by nature (please, no arguments here, I have scientific backing). Love through choice is more likely to work for a man than a woman. I think women are inclined to that oh-so-wonderful-feeling that one might feel in an infatuation.

Deviating a bit from the topic, let us tackle infatuation.

There is no such thing as infatuation that connotes to false love. Infatuation is a short-lived passion, and this passion is the spark I am always talking about. No matter how long this spark had lasted, you felt it for a reason and the reason is love. That would mean that there is something about that person that really made you feel good… or loved. If not, why can’t you be infatuated as easily with other people and only this particular guy? Remember, the spark is needed to have something to start with, but commitment/choice is the gas that keeps the relationship running… Just stretch the infatuation a bit, and you have love. Infatuation is love underrated.

Going back, relying on feelings alone will only bring you trouble, and I can’t say the same towards logic or reason. If you love with emotions, you will tolerate any kind of negativity and not create room to grow. I really can not comprehend, and I accept, that women needs the feeling part. I concede my idea before that both parties should love with choice… So this maybe the right formula would be:

Man + Reason - Emotions + Choice

————— = 1

Woman + Emotions - Reason + Choice

*Please do not attempt to solve this because it is provided merely for visual aid to drive to point.

28
Aug

Life is all about waiting

By Dar 0 Comments
Categories: Life

Attorney Dechavez, a wise professor, always remind us:

Life is all about waiting…

When it was first introduced to us, I was not able to grasp the point immediately. After reintroducing the concept and further elaborating it, I now can’t seem to get enough of the idea. It is one of the most simple yet pervasive ideas I have come across. This concept is born right out of the very essence of time. Since we are continuously waiting for time to pass by in order to achieve things, life is thus all about waiting.

It may seem to be yet another shallow idea, but let me ask you: Have you ever really thought about it? Anything may seem to be pretty obvious and commonplace, yet the very beauty of such an idea lies in the fact that we have never thought of it ourselves despite its extreme simplicity. Although our lives practically revolves around waiting for time to pass, we don’t really think of it in such a way. A simple example of this quote:

You study to pass. You wait for the right time to exhibit your acquired knowledge (such as exams). You wait to graduate. You wait to eat. You wait to sleep, you wait to wake.

I rest my case.

Your part now is to think and try to realize what the hell are you waiting for… For I suddenly realized that I, myself, do not know what I am really waiting for… and if pressed for an answer, the best that I can come up for now is that…

I am waiting to die. We all subconsciously do.

28
Aug

Reality Rules… Bitterly Written.

By Dar 0 Comments
Categories: Life

The time is ripe to blog again.

I took the road less traveled and it made all the difference…

in YOUR mind.

We do have to keep in mind that no matter how great we perceive something, let alone somebody, it is bound to be in “powdered” form in such a way that we really do not see the true nature of things, but rather how we want to perceive it. What we see or think is covered with the make up we ourselves subconsciously apply over such. The thing here is that we “powder” people in different ways. An essentially good thing can be powdered in such a way that we deem it ugly, or an essentially ugly be seen as beautiful.

First, in order to tackle this, we have to realize that there is no panacea for relationships.

This applies to our relationships with people. No matter how we do or how we act, regardless of its perfection in the absolute sense, it will only work 50% of the time. 50% is the chance someone will approve or reject us because we will NEVER know how a person will react towards something. As Paul McGee puts it, people have the tendency to react differently over the same thing that we have encountered before. If today I react angrily at stupid drivers cursing them to hell, tomorrow I might simply ignore them and tell ourselves “what’s his rush anyway?”, and even become understanding the next day “maybe it’s an emergency”.

For example, Girl B has this notion of X, the characteristics of her perfect man. Boy A, with X characteristics, suddenly arrives in the scene. A and B gets acquainted and turns out to have a lot of commonalities (welcome to the infatuation stage). While normally B should fall for A, B instead gets confused because albeit A has X and X is what B has sought for all her life, she merely sees A as a friend.

Welcome to the Friend Zone, Mr. A. (for more readings, try Googling “friend zone”, you’re in for a lot of hits)

Moving along further, there may still be a chance for their “relationship” to advance, but the question here lies in the fact that A is initially rejected. This is where we focus.

Reading “S.U.M.O. Your Relationships” by Paul McGee left me to reflect on a lot of things in my life.

The answer may be found in: “Reality Rules” (another way of saying “in real life, it works this way…” for Paul McGee). Reality Rules my friend. The most perfect thing will never be acceptable to all. No matter how perfect things may seem, there will always be an opposition to it. People are extremely subjective individuals and this is case yet another victim of our subjectivity… we imprison ourselves because of the anathema of subjectivity. We want everything that’s perfect, yet when given that amount of perfection, we decline it and ask for another thing just because of “it-does-not-suit-me syndrome” where we  detach from logic and rely on our instincts or emotions. Do not despair if you are not qualified for one person, because you will definitely pass another person’s standards (I don’t like this idea, though).

How do we inhibit ourselves from this curse, you ask me?

Just settle for what you have and what you can have, do not take the fact that we can not have it all to heart…

And once again,

SATISFACTION (declared with a dash of bitterness because I do not like this reality, but I have to take it since there is nothing I can really do about it asides from being satisfied… because Reality Rules.).

20
Aug

Honesty is not always the best policy.

By Dar 0 Comments
Categories: Life

In all my years of life I’ve heard that honesty is the best policy. I bet you have heard that cliche a couple of times yourself, but have you ever really thought about it? On how it relates to propriety and your everyday dealings with other people?

I think there should be a meter stick on honesty somewhere.

People want others to be honest, but I guess there is a fine line between being honest and having a little tact. Although most would want people to be honest, they expect them to be honest in such a way that they would not sound offensive to other people… So much for being honest. Where is the sense of honesty now when you can not say whatever it is in your mind because it has to pass down the “tact-filter” (from now on I will make the words I personally coin PINK so you guys won’t miss them) where we might even apply a dash of euphemism in order to fit the standards of being tact? Does that mean that we have to be honest and at the same time be tact? I do not think it is possible, so I beg to differ. Being honest is not to be qualified for there is no such thing as a SLIGHTLY-HONEST-to-BRUTALLY-HONEST test. There can only be one form of honesty. I for one is regarded as a tactless person at times, but why not? Do you want me to be honest but lie about it in your face? If I find something ugly and say it as “it doesn’t look too nice on you…”, it may sound nice and people will not get offended by your “masked honesty” , but have you been honest to yourself? Oh please, if there’s someone you should be primarily honest to, it is to yourself.

Admit it, honesty may NOT be the best policy for you, but for me, to hell with you if I “OFFEND” you when I get honest. If you take my honesty as an attack to your person, then take my tactless comment and your narrow-mindedness to hell when you get there because I would not care anyway.

In order to reconcile this, one can be HONEST to a person privately, and be tact when speaking in public. Good enough? Not yet.

To make sure of your honesty, after being tact in public, it is your duty to engage the person privately (one on one, through text, phone, or what not) and tell him what you really think and declare that you made a tact remark earlier to have him save face.

Another option, just cut the honesty crap. Nothing is promulgated requiring people to be honest anyway. I like this part much better so that I can be honest and tact in my own way (hey I never said I am an honest person). BUT DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT EVER DECLARE THAT YOU ARE AN HONEST PERSON IF YOU ARE NOT LIVING THE GENUINELY HONEST WAY. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s people who are TOO hypocritical.

___________________________________________________

Anyway, I just made this blog as a food for thought, so nothing to contend here.

20
Aug

Why so serious?

By Dar 2 Comments
Categories: Life and Love

Looking back at my last relationship, I remember telling the people around me “siya na talaga…” and even after the major flop, I daresay it again for the next one, and I will continue saying it even if it takes me a hundred more breakups. One may deem me foolish or even without pride in declaring this for each serious relationship I shall have, since all but one is bound to be successful, but I will not be afraid nor ashamed of stating it over and over again.
Why?

The first and second only applies to people who can relate themselves to the red text above.

First of all, does it look like I care about what insignificant people say about me? I will only care about what the people within my circle of friends and acquaintances say but whatever they say will only be supplementary opinions. I only listen to close friends, my special someone (whoever she is at the moment), and my family because they are the ones who understand me.

Second, I have this notion that the one commenting such is inexperienced, pretentious, doesn’t know me well, or just plain dumb. This is due to the fact that I have a very good reason for this.

Third, my ultimate reason is the rhetorical question “Is there any better way to treat your special someone?” which connotes to “There is no better gift I can give but faith” leading me to this realization:

Faith is the most essential ingredient of a relationship. If you do not have faith in the person you are with, then you will only be with him for the sake of convenience… rather temporary if you ask me. However, I am not endorsing this to anyone and I’d rather let it remain as an ideal because it is definitely not attainable by a person with minimal experience. It is the most essential, but it doesn’t mean it’s the only way. Let me stick to choice and commitment as the primary essentials for this matter.

When I choose someone, she gets my 100%. What she says is the truth, there shall be minimal room for doubts (doubts can never be totally taken out). She is someone I am -willing- to spend the rest of my life with because if I am not, then I am just wasting my time and that would be utterly pointless. This goes with me believing that she is “the one”. I would be a hypocrite for me to believe otherwise.

Even if this might sound pathetic to other people, I would not let such criticisms to deprive the next ones from being the prospective partner I seek.

This is the gift I offer you.

19
Aug

M+a+n = actions

By Dar 0 Comments
Categories: Life

A man is the sum of his actions, of what he has done, of what he can do, Nothing else. - Mahatma Gandhi

I see this statement as one which tells us that what we say or think does not matter. What truly counts are our actions. This means that people who see other people suffering and would subsequently declare “I pity the man…” or “kawawa naman…” are not helping in any way and their pities are uncalled for. We want people to understand us, but I doubt that one would long for other people’s pities (or is it just me since I’m a proud person?) anyway, for me at the least.

________________________________________________________

Twisting away from the topic a bit…

My grandmother recently passed away and as expected, family members mourn. I am not really ecstatic about her death, but I’m not mournful either. For all we know she could be the one mourning up above looking at her descendants in this cruel world as she experiences sheer bliss in paradise… Some of my siblings were trying to make me feel guilty of my impassiveness, my apathy. I can not blame them but I still do not see the sense in it. Me and my lola were never close, a year sometimes passes without me seeing her and we never had quality time together ever since I developed my mind. And honestly, I see some people who mourn as big hypocrites even. These people had a lot of time to be with my lola in her long 84 years of living, yet they barely lifted a finger to take her out or take care of her during all those years and now they have the nerve of mourning over her! Heck, I will only mourn for someone I truly care and did cared for. They have no right to mourn. It may sound ruthless, but at least I am real… my mourning is to be coupled with actions.

________________________________________________________

Going back, this event only showed me that their pities and mournings are NOTHING because such human weaknesses are intangible; their emotions were not coupled with actions. A man indeed is a sum of his actions, of what he has done, of what he can do. It is the most significant aspect (actions) for without such, even if you are full of theories and ideals, you are a mere hypocrite and what you have in mind is irrelevant and nothing else would be otherwise.

13
Aug

Surely vs. Never

By Dar 4 Comments
Categories: Life

Be careful of what you say, or you might end up with your mouth full of what you said you would surely or would never do. Sometimes we get too impulsive and utter words we might regret saying. I, for one, am a prisoner of my big mouth. I am quite an impulsive person that upon hearing things I deem to be negative and avoidable, I declare things like “that will never happen to me…” or “only a stupid person would do that…” Albeit I rarely contradict what I say, I am imprisoned by my pride such that I will be too constrained in my actions. If I hear about premarital pregnancies, I normally say “what the hell, what a way to waste one’s life…” and though I know I will never (uh-oh) have to worry about it, I create a risk of hitting my pride as compared to zero-risk if I shut up instead. If I do not declare those “nevers”, I will not have to worry about committing a mistake. I once declared that “I will never regret anything that will happen in my life”. What if I suddenly have a change of heart? That while in my deathbed, I suddenly realize that there are things I regret? Remembering such a declaration will only aggravate my agony thinking how stupid I was to say such a thing.

I do not see such declarations as mere excess baggages though. Without them, I will not be careful in my actions and I might just commit such mistakes. Through these pledges, I somehow create rules that will define the lines I should not cross and I think it is a good thing. I am not contradicting myself incessantly, I am just trying to point out that we should be careful of what we commit ourselves in to.

Moderation and thinking twice is the key to utilizing “surely” or “never” to benefit us.

Oh yeah, keep in mind that you have a better chance of keeping your foot off your mouth by thinking thrice before saying “I will surely” because saying “surely” is extremely risky. We are not in control of the things we want to do or achieve such as saying “I will surely become rich”  (of course it’s like saying “I will never become poor”, but you get the drift, I hope) it’s easier to say “I will never do blah blah blah” because it is within your control.

05
Aug

Broken rules…

By Dar 5 Comments
Categories: Life

In life, we make rules. Rules we have to follow in our dealings in life and supposedly without reservations. We normally start its declaration by “I will never ever…” or “I will only…” The funny thing lies in the fact that despite our pledging statements, rules are meant to be broken. Inasmuch as I would like to believe otherwise, it exists in fact.

The question now lies on how are we going to let our rules be broken, or by whom.

The film “Made of Honor” (as cheesy as it may sound, it was enriching) portrayed a rich, young, playboy who went around the field picking up women (or being picked up) left and right. Like most people, he made his own set of rules which he declared to women who would want to be with him. This went on until he realized that he really loves his female “best friend” whose feelings he had neglected for quite a while and so, turning the tables around, had him chasing her. To make the long story short, he went out of his way, broke his rules and his nose, and got her.

Let us focus on the WHOM aspect.

I am one who’ve made rules myself. I was aware of the fact that rules are meant to be broken and that I, myself, will break them sooner or later. The concept lies on for “whom” am I going to break my ever-standing rules of engagement. It doesn’t really take a scientist to realize, but we should break our rules only to those who are really worthy. This may appear to be a shallow answer to a seemingly complex idea of “rules”, but if you would just stop and comprehend a bit, you will see that a lot of relationships take a nose dive because a party oftentimes establish declarations after resolving conflicts “If you do this again, I’ll…” or “This is your last chance” and turn out either looking stupid by being brokenhearted, or breaking your own rules to save the relationship. Well-established personalities will more likely choose the latter option. These learned people will know how little their self-love should be as compared to their love for the other party. This marks the beginning of a wonderful relationship (I am not one to say that it would last, but at least you have a good beginning). Realize that in time, you will abandon your deep-rooted rules for someone, but you better make sure that that someone is well-worth it. There are a lot of women, obscured by their false love, who make stupid acts of self-sacrifice which is unwarranted because of the defect in their choice as to “whom” they should break their rules. Rules, as important as it sounds, is just a mere grain of sand.

Breaking them for the wrong reasons may show weakness and lack of pride, but not breaking them is utter stupidity.

04
Aug

Are you worthy?

By Dar 4 Comments
Categories: Life

Only those who are ready to die are worthy of living. - Dar

Surprised? Reaffirmed? Confused?

This is how we should live. The uncertainty which engulfs the future dictates this kind of thinking. As little as we think of it, we should not forget that we ALWAYS have a 50 percent chance of waking to see another day. There are a billion ways to die, and only one way to live (tackle this thought next time). The 50-50 chance that we’ll get to see tomorrow is the biggest chance we often overlook and see as something so minute. Yeah, you say you suffer today for a better life tomorrow, but are you going to be alive tomorrow? I guess this way, we can see that this 50 percent chance of not seeing another day is relatively the smallest 50 percent chance we know of happening. People often neglect this 50-50 fact…

I don’t.

I am always ready to die, or at least for now while I do not have any descendants to assume responsibility of. I believe in “carpe diem” or seize the day and I live each and every waking moment in practice of it. I study law, but I don’t give my 100% to it. Me and my friends started a small business, and I don’t give 100% to it. Why should I? So I can be secured of my future? Hah! What makes you think I’d be alive tomorrow anyway. If I put up all my efforts in something to secure my future such that I have to suffer everyday for it, and suddenly die, that would make a really sad and funny story… I have seen a lot of people putting so much on something they are investing on to have a “brighter” future… Though I agree that we should be ready for the future, I prefer enjoying and doing the things I want while securing my future. Why do only one thing when you can do both?

____________________________________________________________________

Here’s how to test yourself:

If I die tomorrow, would I have regrets?

Are these regrets related to me trying to invest so much for tomorrow?

Now that I am about to die earlier than expected, is it all worth the sacrifice?

____________________________________________________________________

Now you know.

02
Aug

Sorry seems to be the hardest word… NOT!

By Dar 1 Comment
Categories: Life and Love

If you are one who shares the “sorry seems to be the hardest word” sentiment, then you have not truly Loved. I daresay this because I know that it is not that hard to say sorry, and mean it, to a person you are in to. Pride is never an obstacle and you should always be flexible in your principles if you want to stay with someone. Remember that in loving, your rules will get broken and you better believe it.

Take my example. I am someone who is a very proud person. Pride is my deadliest sin and it makes my world go ’round. However, despite the way I treasure this gift-sin, I am more than willing to shatter it to pieces for someone I love. This is when the “love as choice” part comes in. If I were a ‘normal’ person, I would have the ‘love as feeling’ belief. This way, I can easily sorry because I can’t lose that special someone… but that sorry is e_m_p_t_y. Some people say it for the sake of avoiding conflicts, but not me.

This is where the essence of this post comes in.

The whole point of saying sorry is to mean it. I think it’s about time we put a requisite in saying ’sorry’.

______________________________________________________________

In saying “sorry”, the following requisites must concur:

1. Commission of a wrong;

2. Spontaneous confession of the commission;

3 Acknowledgment of the evil nature of the commission; and

4. Mean it when you say you are “sorry”.

______________________________________________________________

Hence, when one says ’sorry’, he should know that he had done something and accept that what he did was wrong. There are a lot of times we say sorry to people for the sake of propriety, and while it is acceptable in being civil, it is not healthy when applied in a relationship.

August 2008
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