Archive Page 2

21
Nov

Pseudo-relationships

By Dar 0 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized

(this is just a rough draft, will be reedited soon)

Definition: “The “you’re together but not really” stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Pseudo-girlfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite committed lovers.” (Quoted from Myriel’s post)

In my personal perspective, a serious relationship is better. But if that relationship would mean incessant demand of my time, attention, funds, energy, and whatnot, I’d rather go for something less such as a pseudo-relationship or simply put, fling. What Myriel said with regard to fling before a serious relationship is very agreeable. One does will never get to know another person until they begin the “you and me” phase even if it is not in the serious sense of the word. Then and there you will get to see whatever demons are hiding inside your prospective partner and it is a good thing to see them early to know whether you can take them or not in the future. If yes, then you can proceed to a serious one… if no, glad you took the chance… there will be no “what ifs” nor “what could have beens”.

What normally happens is that people often enter this phase without proper consent and it turns out that there is a disparity in their intent and motive. The easiest way to avoid this situation is to make it casual and have this sort of declaration of policies at the beginning of the phase to be able to work within the bounds agreed upon. I know this would not be easy because a fling might not turn out to be a fling, but rather a failed attempt because of it, but this is the risk one should be willing to take so ask to lessen the risk of hurting the opposite sex. I guess for one to be able to walk the talk, there are rules to be followed:

1. Declaration of the absence of commitment
2. NOT saying those three little words (this is a crucial determinant)
3. Not getting too involved emotionally
4. Not deceiving the other person into believing on a serious relationship
5. Not talking about the future with him/her

You’ll most likely know if you are a fling if:

1. You don’t know much of his friends
2. You’ve never met a family member
3. The opposite party avoids the “serious talk” and evades the “love” topic
4. You guys go out only for a booty call
5. You guys barely walk around malls and have good, clean fun

Well, following the rules of not falling, a fling is not so bad (these are also the reasons why some people like it better than serious relationships):

You guys won’t have those trivial misunderstandings,
it’s okay if you forget to text early in the morning or say good night
if you find someone new, it’s all good
giving gifts and remembering whateversaries are not a problem
no envy nor jealousy
you can focus on your priorities without anyone demanding your time and attention
you don’t have to worry about infidelity
you have someone to go out with on a lonely day
booty calls mean good exercise
the feeling may not be mutual, but the benefit is

The problems with pseudo-relationships are tackled in Myriel’s post:
http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=47551854496&ref=mf&.php%3Fid%3D725561162

In the end, fling has its beauty… and so does serious relationships. It’s up to the circumstances and is applicable in a case to case basis.

18
Nov

Why love should be a choice

By Dar 9 Comments
Categories: Love
Author’s note: This is the result of a discourse with a friend from the opposite sex and I deem it apropos to my ‘love’ mindset.

I always say love should be a choice. Although it can never be absolutely and positively confirmed, and all I can do is to keep on supporting this idea. As life itself is all about experience, we never cease to learn, and therefore allowing me to further my idea of ‘choice”.
Anyway, me and my friend were talking about relationships and I was trying to convince my friend that love is a choice. As what normally happens, we have to argue about it (this goes for all the others as well). Making the long story short, turns out my argument is quite convincing and in the process, I was able to argue to her this idea:

Love as a feeling can be invoked, but choice is never tainted. -Dar

If one will rely on love as a feeling, it would be disastrous. Feelings may be invoked by a number of factors: “the moment“, “the situation“, and other stuff like that. The analogy here is to try and pinch yourself, and you feel pain… get caught up in the moment, or when you’re depressed and someone comes to you to pull you up, you feel love, then there’s also this creature called the “infatuation”.

But with choice, oh no, you are never deceived. You may be tortured be coerced to choose something, but in your mind and heart, you know that it is not what you really want.

Love as feeling could be: “I love you because have no choice since it’s you I fell in love with” initially, it seems sweet, but it could turn out to be an empty obsession.

Love as feeling is “I love you because you are the one I chose” res ipsa loquitur… enough said.

In love as feeling, you can inadvertently fall out of love, which is uncontrollable, but in choice, you only choose to fall out of it, making it more stable if you’re with a mature person (although more unstable if with an immature one).

Say your piece.

12
Nov

Presidential Endorsement

By Dar 1 Comment
Categories: Politics

I do not know who will win the presidency in 2010… But I sure hope it will either be:

Bayani Fernando

or

Jejomar Binay

Bayani Fernando is with little political color (except for pink and blue) and I believe that he is one to exact change in our country. Although some of his projects became controversial, I can not imagine our roads without them. Before him, MMDA is an invisible entity known only for their corruption. Now, we have seen a lot (and I do say A LOT) of MMDA. It might go unnoticed, but the very useful |_|-shaped elevated walkways, the barriers and  the “Walang Tawiran, Nakamamatay” projects are very much appreciated. I do not commute much through public transportation, but whenever I did, I knew these made my travel safer and more efficient. The Gwapotel, the principles he publishes, the MMDA radio, the bus stops, the MMDA agents with flags, and of course, the very efficient U-turn slots he made, have drastically changed Metro Manila for the better. One may not see it now, but I can’t imagine Edsa without the bus stops, nor see Quezon Avenue without the U-turn slots which was almost always congested with traffic prior the implementation of such. Bayani has done a lot, and I think he created impact to the private person much more than some previous presidents did. This is yet without mention of what he did to the Marikina City which prior to his election, was extremely polluted, congested, and unsafe. Just look at our big roads and Marikina City, and you’ll see what type of president we’ll be having. MMDA now is not just a corrupted entity, but they actually bring about good things. (As a frequent commuter, I feel him)

Makati Mayor Jejomar Binay, although tainted with the opposition color, is another force of change. Corruption is inevitable, but he brought it to a low level and took progress through education as a priority. Makati is the only city which allows the citizens, particularly the aged population, to feel the taxes they have paid throughout their lives. Although only a small chunk of their population only feel this, it is a lot better than in our national government where the government remains to be a burden even until you are retired. Honestly, I had to Google more about what he did because I, for one, is not a Makati resident. Anyway, yellow card they issued their constituents are said to be very useful and the MAPSA under Binay are rarely “compromised” and are feared. (If there are any readers from Makati, feel free to add to this. I know he has done a whole lot more)

The Chief Executive of the Republic of Makati is my bet because I know he is ready for such a big responsibility based on his track record. However, on the side of the administration, if they are going to cheat as much again, I hope they will cheat for Bayani Fernando. Bayani Fernando is around 4 years younger than Binay so I think he can succeed the presidency from him. His experience is inferior to Binay’s and I know that he will be a good leader after another 6 years in politics.

To the other presidential candidates:
I am not convinced that you guys are not trapos, especially those who only like to bicker and pose in television ads.

07
Nov

The Real Men

By Dar 4 Comments
Categories: Life, Love and Religion
Author’s note: I am recently reading “Wild at Heart”, a book which demythifies the “man” saying that we are created with a wild heart.

The book’s quotable quote:

Where are all the men in the world…?

: You have made them women.

Not to undermine the importance of women, but we are just not the same. Women are born to be noticed, to be appreciated, and loved. Men are born to be wild!

We want to be the one to rescue the fair damsel from the castle prison or slay the dragon. Women want to be the one to be appreciated and rescued by her knight in shining armor.

What’s the point then?

The second line in the quote above shows the effect of establishment. We are imprisoned by the dictates of our society. I noticed my nephews want to play with guns, Counterstrike, Halo 3, and the like and what do I hear from their parents? Don’t play with guns, don’t watch violent movies, and so on. They try to suppress the wild hearts of men. They make them timid, lame, wimpy, and meek. How can you slay the dragon thinking of non-violence, and trying to remember that the left hand SHOULD hold the fork and that your pinky finger should stick out when placing the tea cup down? To top of it all, he’ll look barbaric if his fingernails get dirty.

So, how to slay a dragon? Do it with your wild heart then get a manicure later.

The gist of the book speaks of nurture killing nature. society and Religion killed the passion of men and women such that they are both… bored and tired. Check the Bible, you will see the passionate entries which include bosoms, “gardens”, “fruits”, “nectar”, and such passionate songs by ye ol’ wise man himself, Solomon and even God himself approved of such passionate acts.

If that’s not wild, then I do not know what wild is.

Anyway, the post is in light of my previous adventures. The book is timed right for me to read because when I think of hiking, swimming, diving–anything which would be an outdoor adventure, I just light up and feel elated. The book rationalizes this craving for adventure, dangers and excitement included.

Men are indeed “Wild at Heart”, let us be what we are made to be, or be stuck mild and meek rather than a wild and crazy guy.

Now I know why good guys finish last.

31
Oct

Target Fixation

By Dar 2 Comments
Categories: Life

Some say we have to set goals.

I say we all should.

But one must remember to avoid “target fixation”.

Say what?

This is when a person focuses on something so much that he neglects everything else, be it hazards, obstacles, or anything between him and the target. This is one of the possible explanations why the famed Red Baron went down. He fixated on one plane, followed it to a low altitude, and got hit by an anti-aircraft gun, which he could not have been hit if he were on high altitude.

In practical application, this is tantamount to achieving a goal through “all means necessary”. The problem with this is that we become like a giant steamroller, ready to flatten anything that stands between us and the goal we set to the ground and not be stopped by anything. Like everything that is good, this can be bad as well. Sure, it is a good deal if it means flattening all our negativity and overcoming hardships, but what if the ones in front of us are our parents who mean well, or friends who know that the goal we chose will not really do us any good? Target fixation will crush them all along the way.

In Jason Mraz’s I’m Yours song, he mentions “… open up your plans and damn you’re free…” I see the “plans” as the means in order to achieve a particular end or goal so:

You + Plans + Actions = Goals

However, the song says tells people to “open up your plans” and I think this is the right way. Do not fixate on one plan and one goal. Think of your main end goal, and as always, there are plenty of ways to reach it. If you want to become rich, or you want to be able to help other people, or just wish for a simple and quiet life, there are a lot of means to get them. I am trying to emphasize here that “having 50 cars” or “becoming a doctor/lawyer” is not an end goal. These are temporary goals that mean nothing. The end I am trying to instill is the end which is in the general sense, and with a lot of meaning to us, our families, society, or even to a particular industry. There is no road map for anything, so try to be versatile in your plans to meet your goals.

Fixation does the same harm as good, and it spawns minds which is Machiavellian on one side, and erratic on the other. When we fixate, we lose impartiality. We are biased on the positive effects of our ideas that we neglect its negative effects. What’s worse is that no matter how we try to pick out negativity from the fixated target, we will not be able to come up with anything substantial even if other people see it plain. That’s how powerful our minds are. It blocks everything and makes us focus on a goal, but blind on all else.

We are not robots to have everything planned out or encoded step by step to reach something. We are highly subjective humans who are capable of adapting to any circumstance. Flexibility of our body reflects the flexibility of the mind. Like robots who have rigid frames which reflect their artificial and rigid intelligence. They are made of calculations, we are made of hunches, intuition, calculation, analysis, gut-feel, and subjectivity. -Dar

27
Oct

Away from Distractions

By Dar 1 Comment
Categories: Life and Love

Author’s Note: This is an insight gained from actual disconnection from the city life.

There are times when we need to be disconnected from the world. We are too distracted. I really can’t tell whether life out there is better than the city life, I am equally torn. First, there are a lot of things to keep us from being idle here… but I’m not sure whether it is a good thing or not. Second, there’s minimal pollution there… but you rarely see cars. Third, the people there long for Jollibee and Dunkin Donuts… is that a good thing? I guess abundance really ends up in neglect. The more we have, the less we care.

Abundance ends up in neglect. -Dar

Now that’s something new. Although I may have thought of this in passing before, it is only now that I truly realized it. I think the 1-week trip “away from it all” taught me this. The people there seem to care less about nature… while we go to places just to see them for ourselves. And I, for one, hates fast food because I grew tired of them… yet it would be one of the best things that you can bring them as “pasalubong” together with Goldilocks and Dunkin Donuts.

This also goes along with most, if not all, aspects of our lives. Be it with money, love, friends, and the like. Much related to the saying “You never know what you’ve got ’till it’s gone” and with good reason! I’m sure I would not be such a spendthrift and nature-lover if I grew up poorer someplace else. I can not blame the people for not being able to realize the importance of the things and the people we have, because we really have to inhibit ourselves from the same in order to realize them.

For one, I realized the importance of seeing cell sites. In the island of Sibuyan, there are approximately 10 cell sites erected as compared to the hundreds we have. Basing it on land mass, that would be like 1:10 ratio. Bawang there is a great commodity prized at around 80 per kilo while we can get some for 20 per kilo. Their fishes cost five times cheaper and their gas at twenty percent more.

This is the first time that I had such a fruitful trip. I went to Thailand before, but the disparity is not as noticed because of its foreign nature. But going to one of our own provinces and experiencing the life there, one can see how great a gap exists between two islands, literally and figuratively. It was more of an immersion and an eye-opener for me. I met a lot people: the mayor, a vice mayor, a school mentor, the chief of police, and the like. I heard their take on the things I perceived and experienced, and learned a whole lot of stuff! I recommend travelling within the archipelago not only to city people, but to everyone.

20
Oct

Tomorrow is a Mystery…

By Dar 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Author’s Note: I was supposed to write about agonizing over the things that society dictates to us, but I just came across Mrs. Robins and she gave a great insight in passing as we spoke of reading one’s destiny.

Destiny… our future is better left a mystery.

This is all in view of the “readings” made to the Robins brothers. Though tempted as I was, I did not have my destiny read (they claim that she’s flawless in her readings) because it will be like tempting fate. I’d rather sail the uncharted waters and live the way I am living now… I’m not saying that I don’t believe in such readings, but I’m saying that I’m better off without it… “I took the road less traveled… And it made all the difference”.

What we are to get is all the product of the things we do… Well within my “You get what you deserve” stance, but contrary to the opposite side of my bifurcated mind which deems the luck aspect. Anyway, logically speaking, this is the principle of cause and effect. I don’t think you’ll ever fail on anything so long as you put your heart to it… ‘coz if ever you do fail, there’s always the “charge it to experience” line to pacify you.

Spongecola - Puso

I feel that what’s important is that you put enough heart on what you do. Not too much, though, because if you fail, everything might just crumble with it. Do what you have to do, don’t be afraid of the outcome because more often than not, you will get the product of all your actions summed up together.

I have this thinking that if I die tomorrow, it will be the summation of all the actions I’ve taken in my whole lifetime be it trivial or crucial. There shall not be a single hint of regret because I know that I have lived my life to the fullest.

Anyway, rationalization aside, the uncertainty of the world is clear. Choose your path.

Listen to the song and be inspired with the game of life.

You are the captain of your own ship, steer it with your heart!

15
Oct

To break or not to break (up)

By Dar 2 Comments
Categories: Love
Author’s Note: This is in view of the request someone made in my previous post as a comment.

To break or not to break, that is the question.

Actually there is only one rule to follow here… it’s ye old:

Pag gusto, maraming paraan, pag ayaw, maraming dahilan.

Well, to start off, it’s all about the “two-way street”. Talk to your partner, make sure that things between you and her are clear and that all concerns are at least brought up even if not resolved. So long as there is an open line of communication, I doubt it if one should deem the relationship hopeless.

One thing’s for sure, you should only break it up when things are utterly hopeless. To this effect, you should be ready to cough up some pride and try to bring up your forgiving side. Your partner WILL disappoint you, but your being disappointed as a reason to break up with your partner is rather selfish, isn’t it? Try to talk it out, and forgive. But after the forgiving part, she has to make sure that she would not consciously allow such a thing to happen again. Remember, this is not all about you, but about the “us” between you and your partner.

There is this situation that I call the “50 First Dates Syndrome” or “The Deja Vu”. This is when you get caught up with a forgetful Lucy and things just happen over and over again. It is not as sweet as in the movies, I tell you. I’ve been through such a situation before and you will find yourself in the same exact situation with your partner by arguing over the same things that you have previously resolved and the recurring problems will only be detrimental to you and your partener’s growth. While it is perfectly normal to have problems, to have the same problem over and over again is not. Once a problem is addressed and totally cleared, then it should not be part of your concern the next time.

The next is the “He loves me, he loves me not situation”. This is rather related to the preceding paragraph because what happens here is that a couple breaks up for the smallest reasons and goes back together in a day or two. This could be observed in the early stages of a relationship (say, first three months). But this is really stupid (yeah, absolutely STUPID) if it goes on for like, the whole relationship period. Break it up… for good!

Another is the “Fusion Effect”. This is when you and your partner’s lives are so fused together that the individual is diminished. Remember, you + partner = two, not one. If you take one-ness too seriously, you’ll end up as you + him = 1 and therefore, you = 1/2, partner = 1/2. This is not advisable because once you allow this thing to happen, you lose yourself and given that nothing in this world is permanent, your partner’s loss will leave a permanent void in your life. Remember that before you love someone, you should know how to love yourself. Spend time together, but remember that you and your partner have different lives so take time apart. Nothing wrong with that. This may also cause one to develop the “Astronaut Syndrome” as tacked in my Friend Zone post.

The “I’m confused Moment” is also something worth noting. This is normally the prologue to an impending break up. Normally, this is the time when your partner starts to stop loving. Here’s the 100% sure time to break it up: When your partner has already decided not to love you. If you are able to prevent a break up, I’m pretty sure it will not be long until the problem is raised again (50 First Dates Syndrome). You are just delaying the inevitable. You can not have a relationship where you alone gives love.

Actually these are only a few examples of the tendencies people’s relationships have. There is really no clear-cut distinction on which types to avoid and which are the ones to take.

Here’s my final take on this:

1. Use your rationality and logic, weight the pros and cons

Always take time to think about your relationship if you see the relationship causes more harm than good, talk it out, if all else fails, break it up.

2. Always open the line of communication

Whenever you have problems, try to solve it yourself. If you do not think the solution lies with you and it should be solved by your partner, tell him or her. If your partner does not

3. Always relate things to yourself

Again, it takes two to tango. You should not always direct the blame to your partner, know your own faults, solve them.

4. Problems are dealt with and should not recur.

5. Never make decisions when you are mad

Mad here is in the sense of being angry and at the same time insane. This state of mind renders one to be “Animalistic” (like a dog biting someone who touches its food while it’s eating) because it is a spur of the moment, a snap, where in we are not able to think well. Very little, if any, good comes out of such decisions.

6. Read my other posts (Lol).

Before any breakup, there should ALWAYS be an attempt to reconcile. Talk it out.

*Whenever I say talk it out, it means at least thrice. It really should sink in with them by then, so if they still do not see eye to eye with you, something’s really wrong and it could be a ground for you to break it up.

11
Oct

Relationship Myth

By Dar 4 Comments
Categories: Life and Love

Most people say, claim and believe that men should do the chasing at first in order to get a girl. We all know that what normally happens is that the tables turn when the relationship commences such that the gals do the chasing thereafter. Although this is a lingering fact, there is also much proof to the effectiveness of  the contrary.

If a man really loves a woman, he would not let the tables turn to the woman’s disadvantage.

As usual, I’ve been there, done that (I don’t know for how many times already).

Applying a little political science theory here, I realized that there should be a balance of power between the two parties. If the guy gets too much advantage where the gal allows him to take absolute control (and vice versa), here arrives the problem.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. - Sir John Dalberg-Acton

There should always be equitable respect, equitable love, equitable whatnot. Do not be a meek objector, but a persistent one and silence will be misinterpreted as consent. If you allow him to always have things his way, you will begin a trip to a slippery slope and a lose-lose situation.

I don’t know how this affects my post, but I still believe that a guy should have a better say with regard to matters concerning the relationship (and with good reason!).

Anyway, I think it could be reconciled in a way where the girl should be submissive, but not submissive enough to grant the guy the totality of decisions. Like I always say, it is a two-way street. Maybe in the two-way street, the guy has two lanes and the girl has one… it really doesn’t matter as long as it is two-way. Once it becomes one-way, then expect an impending doom to your relationship.

11
Oct

Desperate Person

By Dar 0 Comments
Categories: Life

Sometimes we tend to push some people a little bit too much, and in the process they are forced to be in a lose-lose situation… this is when you should cease your actions no matter what the reason is…

Desperate times call for desperate measures - Unknown

Since a person is pushed to his limits, he will do what he can to bring you down if you push him further. It is a scary thought because a man with nothing more to lose have available last-resorts. Before you push him again, make sure you are willing or capable of losing as much as he would because if you are not, then it will end with the both of you down and beaten… But with you on the disadvatage because he already had nothing to lose halfway down and you are still to lose half of yourself.

Look for signs.

Two of the last aspects a person would lose before the point of desperation are pride and dignity respectively. Once he gives up on there, you better hide or be ready for a sudden death. Driving one person to such extents terminates his rationality and re-activates primal instincts and he will fixate on inflicting maximum damage for his impending loss.

A beast is most dangerous when it is cornered.

That person may be trying to flee from you to begin with. Drive him to a corner and he would have no other choice but to fight. To this effect, he will see any single bit of damage done to you as a worthy cause. Look at the Iraqi insurgents, they have lost their homeland to a foreign invader, branded as terrorists, and lost their way of lives. They developed the thinking that every life of an Iraqi for an American is well worth it. What’s worse is that it is indubitably true. Americans have easy lives, while an Iraqi is most likely within the range of suffering. The former probably earns in a month whatever the Iraqis earn in a year, so basing it on lifestyle, good trade.

I am not sure what recourse should one take, but I know that one should not drive another past their limits.

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